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How to Survive a Super Bowl Party With Non-Football Fans

Death, taxes, and mindless consumption of mass entertainment. Two of these three cannot be avoided, and I’m not about to advise on the one that can. In two days, you (the person who willingly reads through sports blogs) will be pitted against a mortal foe: a room full of friends, classmates, assorted relations, or shelter animals. Whichever group of yours has the greatest saturation of people who watch the Super Bowl ‘for the commercials’ or because it means a guaranteed party. Here is how to survive this torture.

Mercilessly Quote Noam Chomsky

Sure, we all hear the jokes that the Super Bowl is four quarters of football to supplement the Katy Perry concert or the commercials, but what does this really mean? That’s right! It’s time to proselytize to your friends about the evils of corporations and how the ‘Big Game’ is a ‘Big Shame’ for distracting the common man from the world’s real problems.


Binge Eat When Your Fellow Partygoers Say They Ignore Current Events

Super Bowl parties are always ripe with snacks! Tostitos just released a new chip variant called the Tostitos Rolls, and boy, are they salty and incredible! Pretend to contribute to the party by bringing six backs. Horde them under your shirt until this moment arrives and take advantage of the myriad dips.


Realize You Have Advocated for Corporations; Spiral Into Depression

Wait, that last spot about Tostitos was subconscious product placement? Showing up to an NFL-centric party is as anti-Chomsky as you could get, anyway?


Shrug Shoulders in a Resigned Fashion

Heh. Just like Atl-


What Would Ayn Rand Do?

Watch. Enjoy. Derive sick pleasure from the strength of wills on display. Congratulate Katy Perry for being a savvy businesswoman. Not leave your friend’s house. You loved it more than they did, anyway.


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